I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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