I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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