On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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