I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
