How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
