You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
