I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
