my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
