Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
the liver wants what the liver wants
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize