My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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