Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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