On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
