I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Barsexuality is the new black.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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