How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
