Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
