I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
