Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
