He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
