You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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