I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
