what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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