you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
