All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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