You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
