Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
