this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
