I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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