Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize