What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
