I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
