home. puking in laundry basket.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
