I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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