he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
