I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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