i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
