I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They took my balls.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am available for nakedness
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
