someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
