Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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