I want to make a zoo with you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
