Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
