I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize