We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
