two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
