john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
