This is not my ceiling
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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