sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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