she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
