I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i drank out of a bidet.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize