Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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