i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
