Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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