I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
