So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
