I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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