he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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