My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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