apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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